The end of the year brings many things, none of them more important than awards season. To honour the first full year of The Catch’s news media coverage through a materialist lens, us here at the publication (i.e: me and only me) thought that those who stood out among the crowd deserved a little recognition for their efforts.

Thus were born The Martens. Named after a type of weasel native to northern Canada (and a choice pun alongside my last name), these illustrious statues award those in the news media who weaseled their way to glory. Whether by sneaking toxic concepts into stories masquerading as accurate reporting, news media companies screwing over their employees, or getting paid to write hundreds of words without saying anything of substance, these recipients truly showcase our news media’s abilities to disgust and deceive above all others. Each category will have multiple nominees, but there can only be one winner.

Without further ado, let’s begin the ceremonies.

In an industry famous for routine layoffs and executive bonuses, this award has stiff competition. This year saw many turbulent moments for news media, and yet these nominees have shown vision, poise, and profit-driven brainworms in pushing aside journalists for some of that sweet sweet clout or money. Here are the nominees:

Bell Media

For going beyond routine layoffs to shutter six radio stations and cut 6,000 jobs in June.

Global News

For laying off Rachel Gilmore a mere two weeks after she received an award herself from the Canadian Journalists for Free Expression.

Nordstar

For shaking hands with the devil (i.e: Postmedia) in talks to proceed with a merger between the two companies.

The Federal Liberals

For failing to have any sort of back-up plan to their short-sighted legislation meant to avoid taxing tech giants.

Global News Again

Yes, they did it again. For firing Palestinian journalist Zahraa Al-Akhrass after she posted images and links on her social media about the Palestinian genocide.

And the winner is…

Global News

Though much could be said about the particular sliminess of the other nominees, in many ways their actions are par for the course. Layoffs and mergers are part of the biz, even if they’re damaging and bad for journalism. Meanwhile, the intent of the Liberal bill at least had some merit. But there’s a particular depravity to laying off a journalist who has done amazing work for your company, and received a never-ending stream of hate for her efforts, a mere two weeks after she received recognition for her work.

In truth, I had written this section in September, leaving the rest of the year to fill in more categories. But Global News had to do it again by calling Al-Akhrass in for questioning about her social media posts on the Palestinian genocide multiple times, with no sympathy from anyone involved, only to fire her and then, by her account, offer her money to stay quiet. As they say in sports, I guess they just wanted it more.

For multiple instances of shameless trust-violating, Global News wins the coveted Marten for betrayal.

Try not to stab a reporter in the back with it.

Showing those who thought waffling had reached its peak with the waffle, these nominees stepped up. They showed us there truly are no limits to stammering hot air that ultimately defends terrible ideas. This year, those who put fingers to keyboards for hours on end (or minutes, more likely) to offer absolutely nothing of note put Waffle House to shame. It’s just as well, as these nominees lack any semblance of shame, instead choosing a smug self-satisfaction that they looked at both sides of the issue, and still learned nothing. Here are the nominees:

Matt Gurney

For writing around 1600 words to defend Doug Ford’s move to further privatize healthcare, while insisting he wasn’t defending Doug Ford.

Jen Gerson

For accurately conveying the issues of the housing crisis then targeting international students anyway.

Andrew Coyne

For writing about how the CBC is left-wing and bad but not like Poilievre says.

Brian Lilley

For defending Ford throughout the Greenbelt scandal then going silent about the topic once it was inconvenient.

And the winner is…

Matt Gurney

For those who saw The Catch article about the news media’s weaseling defense of the Ford government (very much the inspiration for The Martens), this was a foregone conclusion. Never before has The Catchcademy (too much?) seen such shameless waffling. It truly is an astonishing piece of history that this drek was put anywhere near a “credible” publication. Between openly admitting you did not do the research, to boldly proclaiming to be the only one saying something that everyone says all the time, Gurney’s success in the field of waffling reaches heights that few others can.

At least this year. Give Jen Gerson time.

2023 saw a sharp increase in Cold War rhetoric return to the forefront in our news media. Perhaps it’s China’s rise in the geopolitical and economic sphere, maybe it’s a fostered confusion of modern Russia with the Soviet Union, maybe it’s Israel finally losing the propaganda war, or maybe it’s just plain ol’ jingoism. Whatever the reason, our news ecosystem felt the need to ramp up this narrative. Imperialism is a nebulous concept for most people, but in this instance we’re talking about reporting that maintains the dynamics of US hegemony and economic dominance over other countries, as Canada usually prioritizes. Here are the nominees.

Canadaland

For platforming a Cuban personality who called for Canadians to use AirBnB when visiting his country, while the company directly devastates Canada’s housing market.

Sam Cooper

For stoking anti-Asian hatred and widespread yellow peril in his shoddy reporting.

Evan Dyer

For straight-up reporting a white supremacist conspiracy theory to get one in on Cuba.

The Entire Legacy News Media Ecosystem

For refusing to host anything but the Israeli perspective and taking their side while Israel commits an ongoing genocide against Palestine.

And the winner is…

The Entire News Media Ecosystem

When I began the draft for these awards, I was sure that Evan Dyer would win by a country mile. This man packaged white supremacist talking points in an article about Cuba, and nobody other than The Catch even noticed! That was bold. Unfortunately, since October 7, nearly every legacy news outlet has shown how much they fucking love rivers of Palestinian blood. Whether it be the worst columnists in the country uniting in ignorant bloodlust, the entire editorial boards at The Globe and Mail and the National Post supporting their mass slaughter, or Palestinian deaths simply being reported less than those of Israelis, our entire news system has shown their true face. They would rather see Palestinians wiped off the face of the Earth in service of settler-colonialism and maintaining a geopolitical ally than have to contend with the cruelty this system perpetuates. Admittedly, it’s only innovative in how purely blatant and without shame this approach has been, but still.

We will never forget you fucking monsters, and that’s a promise.

Before we get to the final category of “Worst Journalism of the Year,” a special moment must be taken for those who voted in The Catch’s People’s Choice. I won’t lie to you folks, it was one person. One person voted for the worst journalist of the year. While this usually wouldn’t make it representative of the wider readership of The Catch, their choice probably wouldn’t make any of you balk in the slightest. Still, more of you should have cast your votes. This is the only time I will vote shame, when it affects me this directly.

And the winner is…

Jesse Brown

What is there left to be said about the rabid foaming at the mouth indignation that Brown has expressed since Oct. 7? The man has alienated scores of his audience, Canadaland’s own Editor-In-Chief, union, and multiple former guests of the company’s podcasts. He refuses to engage in good faith with anyone asking him to simply do his job in news media criticism. He published a hit piece on Shree Paradkar that had factual errors (this is finally what led the Canadaland Union to issue a statement). He refuses to reckon with the mass genocide of Palestinians and instead focuses on conflating antisemitism with anti-Zionism. It’s despicable, revealing and, quite frankly, embarrassing. What’s the end game here, Jesse? The legacy news won’t have you, and now those who actually care about alternative news analysis have shed any association with you. You’ve irrevocably damaged the reputation of Canadaland and its workers with your self-indulgent ignorance, and you show no signs of stopping in 2024. Congratulations, I hope this award makes it all worth it. Though at this rate you’ll accuse me of being an antisemite because I’m presenting you an award that invokes the image of a weasel.

Though there are many categories and many nominees, only one can truly achieve the lowest point of journalism in the year. It must be made clear that, for the vast majority of problems with the capitalist news media, accurate reporting of facts is not particularly an issue (although it certainly can be). Most issues arise from poor contextualization of a situation, or ideology preventing outlets from providing accurate analysis of the root systemic causes of issues. This is an environment that still fosters plenty of bad journalism, but the worst of the worst is the journalism that goes beyond that dynamic into openly faulty and malicious reporting. That’s what the following have done. This category zeroes in onto a single piece, or a story continually covered by a particular outlet or reporter. Here are the nominees:

Sam Cooper

For shoddy reporting that threw gasoline onto the fire of sinophobia.

Brian Lilley

For continuing to cover Ontario politics as though he doesn’t live with a Doug Ford media staffer who is also his romantic partner.

Adam Zivo

For writing a 10,000 piece on safe supply that refuses to speak to any experts and provides anonymity to cowardly doctors in service of kicking people when they’re down.

The National Post

For being The National Post.

And the winner is…

All of the above

That’s right, I lied when I said that only one could win the award for worst journalism of the year. From the Post’s garbage columns after garbage columns and platforming of trash journalism, to the widespread ramifications of reporters like Cooper stoking the new Cold War, to the blatant dishonesty of actors like Lilley and Zivo, they all deserve to be named and shamed. The Canadian news ecosystem is truly a pile of sewage with a WesternU polisci degree.

Congratulations to all the winners, I hope against hope that you rot in obscurity.

Thanks to everyone for reading The Catch. A reminder that the first regular post in 2024 will be on a new service. I’m currently exploring options, and will be migrating subscribers over once everything is set up and ready to go. Happy new year!